Non-Believer Horoscopes for May-June 2019

by Blake Wiers

This morning I woke up with some math on my mind. Last year I wrote a book about billion-dollar startup ideas (A Stable Of Unicorns), and shared the notion that a million seconds equals eleven days, but a billion seconds is 33 years. This morning, I found myself doing a little loose math-riffing based on those numbers.

The earth is about five billion years old. For my calculations, I said, ok, let’s make that a week. Five billion years equals one week. So, where does that put my life, all of the great human history and star observations we have been making for millennia?

Glad you asked. Here’s an example. If the earth has been around for one week (aka five billion years) then when was the asteroid that hit earth 60 million years ago and wiped out most life including the great dinosaurs, but also led to the flourishing of a new era of mammals, including some primates which eventually became humans? The KT extinction event was two hours ago, in our week-long timeframe.

Again, five billion is a week, so sixty million is only a couple hours. And how long have humans been around? Well, that’s up to debate, but I’ll go wide and include not just Homo Sapiens Sapiens, but Neanderthals and Denisovans, and we can guesstimate that we have been around one to two million years. On our weeklong timescale, that is, um, under a minute. Not even thirty seconds.

You can probably guess by now that our own individual lifetimes don’t even add up to seconds. An eighty year life is something like one-one thousandth of a second.

Outside of celestial bodies’ influence over us, I have tended to steer clear of current events in this column. My reflections on the current state of the world tend to wind up in poetry (see last year’s To Be Determined) or in fiction (like novel Winter Sailor). But since we’re on the subject of the timeline of the earth and humans and condensing all that action into a week, a little bit like the story of genesis, let me throw another tidbit of info onto the slip-sliding sands of time…guess how long in that week it has taken humans to double the amount of carbon dioxide we’ve added to the atmosphere?

If humans have been around less than thirty seconds, and a lifetime is 1/1000th of a second, we have managed to burn enough fossil fuels in the last 1/2000th of a second to double our contribution of global warming gases in our atmosphere. Oh, and we wiped out 60% of wildlife in that time, too, while growing from 2 billion to 8 billion people.

A couple weeks ago I was out with my brother-in-law and his brother, a tech exec and a retired Army colonel. We got to talking about global warming, emissions, population, and the future, and one of them asked me, “So what’s going to happen?”

“We’re driving off the cliff,” was my response.

My mom writes another column in this publication, and it is filled with much more hope. She is (theoretically) closer to the end of her 1/1000th of a second, and therefore likely much wiser than me. I apologize for off-loading my despondency onto you, dear reader. This really should be about hope.

So, here’s a positive thought that I regularly use to bring myself back to a brighter outlook on life. We may be changing the climate on our planet and creating a lot of other collateral damage, but one thing is fairly certain: the earth will keep spinning.

In the meantime, we are exactly where we are supposed to be. Right here, right now, enjoying the height of humanity.

At this point I should probably talk about where May and June got their names, but I’m out of space. Next year!



Aries (March 21-April 19)
May starts with Venus in Aries, and loving good times ensue for rams. At the end of the month, the Sun and Mercury get together in Gemini for a creative firestorm. June gloom settles in, though, with nagging naysayers all around, except at home. Take the love where you can get it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You think you’re communicating your way through this whole Uranus-in-Taurus thing very well, and you are. The full moon in Scorpio on May 18th asks you to turn it up a notch with romantic extra touches. Come June you will see the rewards, although it will require some flexibility. Fun!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Happy birthday, you double-whammie of a human being you! You’ve got Mars in your corner until mid-May, so power through on a project, then take a break. Things pick up again going into June, when the Sun and Mercury enter your sign. This is a good time for “show, don’t tell.” Plans are one thing, but your actions are what matters here.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
There is a good reason to crawl into your tunnel, claw some sand across the entrance, and wait this one out. People are breaking promises, and you are feeling tender, like you just shed your shell. Fear not, the new you will be on full display in June. Whether it’s an exam or a first date, you will be at your best.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Early May finds you in bed, combing your mane, maybe with assistance, until the 15th. You’re in for a rocky full moon on the 18th, but you’ll feel the fire to get back in the game after the 20th. Compromise in early June will set you up for a great summer, with all the fast moving planets backing you up.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Out of the blue, here comes clarity. Discussions are diplomatic and provide everyone with an outcome. You might even have a vision for your future. June brings in dreamy summer nights. Do yourself a favor, let go of the problems of the big world and focus on enjoying your home.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Leaping Libra! Look who is rocking the runway this May. You are enjoying a shine in Spring’s new sun, prancing through life like a gangly-legged fawn. June turns markedly sour, however. The solution is a stitch-n-bitch, or your equivalent. Gather thy forces and conspire to make fun.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Is it just possible that peace, love, and understanding is coming around to Scorpio with Mars entering Gemini after May 15th? You look fate into the eyes, and damn, it’s an honest-to-goodness exchange leaving you feeling downright fulfilled. Treat yo’self and share the love, follow the rainbow into June, and a long, slow summer.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Things are popping off for you at the beginning of May, although a few of those pops might get a little scary loud. Mid-May hits a groove, although Venus isn’t quite as beneficial for your love life. Whether you stay home or travel widely, you’re going to have some changes to deal with in June. Remember, change is an opportunity.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You know who your friends are. Or do you? Those who come through may take on a new importance, especially when you retreat back into your sea cave at the end of May, possibly with your new play mate. June has you looking at a big question, and waiting for an answer to appear. Keep waiting.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
If you hate to say “I told you so,” then don’t. But you did tell them. So just float on the knowledge in early May. A mish-mash of planets the second-half of the month has you scratching your head. By June you may be picking up the subtle cues that will lead to your next step.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Bonkers gets out of your business after May 14th, when Venus leaves Aries. Take some time for personal healing. Get witchy with the May full moon on the 18th. Burn some herbs, make it sensual. The June full moon on the 17th is another story, although the rest of the month will be ok as long as you remember to get out of your hideout.



This column was originally published in The South Shore Puzzle Journal.

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