Non-Believer Horoscopes for April 2019

by Blake Wiers

April’s name comes from when it was the second month of the year, pre-Julius Caesar. April was the month after March, in French that would be “aprés Mars.”

The big holiday in April is Easter, which of course has nothing to do with Jesus’ resurrection. In the Bible, that miracle happened during a little holiday called Passover. The name “Easter” came about later, when the Catholic Church’s recruitment efforts ran into a pagan spring fertility ritual celebrating a goddess named variations of Eoster, Ishtar, and Oestar throughout the ages in cultures around Europe, the Middle East, Africa, Asia and now the Americas.

Good luck finding a reference to bunnies or eggs in the pages of scripture. Eggs and bunnies go way back as symbols of fertility, for obvious reasons, but they are definitely born-again Christians.

Predicting the date of Easter in medieval Europe was big business. The pope, the old Roman Emperor, was on the run, reduced to a small kingdom around Rome, and fighting a new kind of battle, for hearts and minds. A big goal as Christianity spread was to wipe out local ancestral knowledge, and be able to provide all the answers. Where once druids predicted the arrival of spring using their stone sun calendars, Catholic cathedrals added solar observatories. If the word from the central office was late, the old sun-projected-onto-the-floor trick worked.

When to plant your crops is obviously an important announcement to make, even if you do it in Latin while mumbling something about washing feet. The people got the message, it worked, we’re all happy with our Easter baskets and knowing we too shall rise again.

But when, exactly, is Easter? For that, we’re going to have to look at the Moon, the goddess of the night, when babies are made. Once again, we have a holiday which was probably moved from the evening of a full moon to a Sunday, for to calculate Easter, you pick the first Sunday after the first full moon following the vernal equinox.

This year spring, marked by the equinox, one of two moments in our yearly elliptical corkscrewing travel around the Sun when the daytime equator is aligned with the sun, and day and night seem to be equal lengths in the latitudes where classical knowledge was born…where was I? Right, the spring equinox is around March 21st. The new moon (in Aries) is on April 5th, and the first full moon (in Libra) after the equinox is on April 19th, which puts Easter on Sunday, April 21st.

Planets-wise, this April may be pretty chill, all forward motion with the exception of Jupiter retrograding on the 10th then getting a backspinning boost from Saturn for two days at the tail end of the month.



Aries (March 21-April 19)
The taxman cometh, to taketh away thine riches earned by hard labor, and on your birthday! But somehow, Ram, you’re ok. You never really had the money. It’s gone. Now ask, what else in your life could you stand to make disappear? ‘Tis the season for spring cleaning.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The bull is ready to charge, feeling grounded and alive, ready for 2019 to take off! Whoa, buddy, great job on the plowing, but you’re going to have to wait for the rest of us to really get the job done. The sun enters your sign on the 20th, so it’s time to start planning your birthday party. You are worth celebrating.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ha ha oh no. I have to write this, because it’s what I read. Gemini, things start out high-energy and full of love, but mid-month (my birthday) your planet Mercury (also my wife’s) runs into Mars (my planet) and creates a bit of over-thinking tension. Patience is the key. (Don’t plan a surprise party.)

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Things are kinda quiet, until they’re not. Mars enters your sign and squares up with Mercury on the fifteenth, the warrior versus the messenger. The result is a good chance you will say something you regret. So, um, yeah, think before you speak. We’re talking deep breaths here. In. Out. Nice and slow.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The grim reaper, Saturn, is in your sign for the next few months, and has you thinking about the big picture. Life stuff. As much as you have accomplished, you can see a to-do list a mile long. Instead of panicking, take joy in the endless now. There’s always tomorrow.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
With no planets up in your business, you may think you’re scot free to yippee-kay-yee the spring away, but a word of caution: center yourself. Find balance. If you hop on the teeter-totter without a partner, plans will come crashing down.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The sun is in opposition to Libra during April, and you’ll be feeling the tug from the green grass on the other side of the fence. Before you make the big jump, you might ask, what really makes you happy?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Jupiter retrogrades in your sign this month, Scorpio. Good luck may turn, uh, well, what goes up must come down. Look for the gift, bro. Your hopes may be dashed, but what is the growth opportunity?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You were all set up, owning the deep mastery of Pluto, and now along comes Mars asking for a little trouble. You’ve got the chops to handle the situation, but maybe you want to see whose feet you are trampling on before you step in with the solution.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The sun is squaring your sign, leaving you feeling like a fish out of water. Return to the sea. Find your happy place and enjoy it for a little while. You will feel much better.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Giving it all away seems like a great idea, but maybe there are a few things you want to hold on to. Neptune is squaring Jupiter, so gosh isn’t it exciting to do this new…Yeah, ok, run with it. Just remember, it may be a long ride.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
This April, Pisces have Mercury near Uranus for the first half of the month, then Uranus gets a little loving from Venus. So, in polite terms, that means shaky communication turning into make-up you-know-what.


This column was originally published in The South Shore Puzzle Journal.

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