Non-Believer Horoscopes for February & March 2019

by Blake Wiers

February is often associated with love. Why? My shoot-from-the-hip guess is the second full month of the winter is a great month for indoor recreation. But since this is a column about star mythology, let’s go little deeper into Valentine’s Day, Cupid, and all of that.  

So…in old Rome…February used to be the last month of the year. Setting fire to the old year, the Roman holiday to mark the end of all that past nonsense was in honor of Juno, the moon, and held on the day after the ides, aka, the 14th. As part of the party, called Lupercalia, eligible young men and women were matched in a lottery, paired up for the duration of the celebration. These couples often went on to marry.

Move forward into the early christian days of Rome, 270 CE, and Claudius II was having trouble recruiting soldiers for his increasingly failing army. In a bid to create more volunteers, the emperor forbid all marriages. A christian preacher, Valentine, carried on secretly performing weddings. When he was found out, St. Valentine’s Day was born, riding on the back of the old Lupercalia in classic christian-holiday style.

And Cupid? He is a winged child of Venus, who shot himself with his own arrow and suffered the full glory of love. The constellation Pisces tells the story of the boy and his mother turning themselves into fish to escape Typhon, the god of monsters.

March, of course, is the month of Mars, and is the first month of the year, astrologically speaking, and also in ancient times. But why is March named after Mars? Sadly, it is because Mars was the Roman god of war, red with a lust for blood. And as we have discussed, freezing February ain’t no time for fighting. In March, the armies of Rome could once again “march” into battle.

This March, you’re looking at a Mercury retrograde from the 5th through the 28th. Here’s an experiment: this time when the wifi cuts out, instead of throwing your phone down the drain, look back at some of your pictures and envision reconnecting with those people in real life. It might just happen.


ARIES March 21-April 21ish
January’s eclipse of the wolf blood supermoon has you waving your self-identity like a battle flag. You can follow your spirit to the bank at the beginning of February with Saturn sextile Neptune. While you might have to stand up to big egos to get your goals, you are ready for the match. But hold up, hasty ram! Patience, as ever, is your big struggle. So take a breath and use your awareness of your personal shortcomings to pull a classic rope-a-dope.

TAURUS April 21-May 21ish
Despite the upheaval you might be feeling since last summer, Uranus is just beginning its seven year bumping, thumping, whacking, smacking romp through your sign, so you might as well get comfortable with your discomfort. But fear not, bull, for every unexpected external challenge you face, you have internal growth waiting to be tapped. Meditate on the silver lining while the hectic world pushes your anxiety buttons.

GEMINI May 21-June 21ish
Last fall might have been a little rough on the twins, and now Neptune is coming around with a little more of the old confusion delusion pollution. Here’s your mantra: self-love. With energy drooping and enthusiasm at a low, the new exciting opportunity bringing dynamic change to your life might look like just another bore. It’s not.

CANCER June 21-July 21ish
Relationships are a vessel in which two or more people travel through life. While we all hope for smooth sailing, just as often we run our little boats to the edge of the map marked “Here there be dragons.” Sailors of old signed on to complete a voyage, but plenty of seafarers jumped ship in exotic ports of call, allured by the siren song of local love. If you’re hearing the music, remember the good things in life usually follow some hard work.

LEO July 21-August 21 or so
When the lion roars, everyone listens. But when the lion fidgets and paces, gazes in the mirror and wonders if maybe shaving their mane might be a good idea, it’s a bit odd and disturbing. These are those times. It’s ok, even a Leo can use a makeover now and then, to keep up the fierce appearance.

VIRGO August 21-September 21ish
The best part of waking up, is something new in your cup. Uranus, Neptune and Pluto are all playing around with Virgo the next few months, pulling you into new areas of fun and confidence, paying you big bucks for seemingly nothing, and generally turning your worldview upside down. When you can’t steamroll the hills, ride the roller coaster.

LIBRA September 21-October 21 (and a few on either side)
Coming out of January’s lunar eclipse feeling blissed out, February and March may put your sense of balance to the test. If your current theme song is John Cougar’s “I fight authority, authority always wins,” maybe it’s time to change your tune to Steve Miller’s “Come on, take the money and run.”

SCORPIO October 21-November 21ish
A whirlwind, dust devil, or water spout are not quite a tornado, but damned if Scorpio can tell the difference with all the crap flying around in the air. You might be feeling on edge, but how much of it is in your head? The more life throws at you, the better you are at juggling. Everything is possible if you can just bend yourself into a different pretzel shape.

SAGITTARIUS November 21-December 21
One door closes, another one opens. And for the next couple months, Sagittarius quietly tiptoes back to the shut door, checking to see if it really is over. Everything through the new door simply looks too good to be true. But the old door is locked, and here you are standing in the hallway wondering what to do next. Trust your gut. The people you know and love in the old room might have wondered into this new place, too.

CAPRICORN December 21-January 21ish
While you may have long ago picked up the champagne corks of the new year, the bubbles are still rising in Capricorn. Valentine’s Day might mean something new and exciting, especially if you put on your lacey lab coat for a little experiment. Keep looking up, and others will follow your gaze to the sky.

AQUARIUS January 21-February 21
Last month, the full moon made your life a little wackadoodle. This month, Jupiter brings a smile back to your face, and Saturn working with Neptune may turn your good feelings into something a little more material. Happy birthday? If you want it, you can make it so.

PISCES February 21-March 21 and a bit
Slippery one, your sign is the lucky recipient of Mercury retrograde beginning March 5 thru the 28th. Combine the messenger’s backslide with a double whammy of Uranus moving from your second house of money into your third house of communication, and you might do best to, well, browse old photo albums and wonder what the heck happened. On the plus side, your financial picture improves as you use this period of reminiscing to fine tune your style of writing, speaking, and travel.

This column was originally published in The South Shore Puzzle Journal.

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